The World Between Us

Name: The World Between Us
Author: Daniel Burford

The guide to relationships as an autistic adult.

Love, friendship and family, and the space between you and the people you care about. Twelve chapters on why the misunderstandings happen, what they cost you, and how to build across them from both sides.

By Daniel Burford, author of The Unmasking Years

Get The World Between Us, $27 Read the first page

12 chapters · The Between Us kit · Online tools · Free updates for life

Cover of The World Between Us by Daniel Burford: two marble profiles face each other, joined by streams of teal, orange and gold paint

“Every misunderstanding in your life was made by two people, standing on two sides, each reading the other in a language they were never taught.”
From the opening of The World Between Us

Some of this might sound familiar

You replay conversations at two in the morning, looking for the moment it went wrong.

You’re always the one who reaches out, and you’re tired.

You said yes before you knew what you thought. Again.

You love someone deeply and still can’t find the words they need.

This book starts from a kinder reading of all of it, then gets practical.

There is a world between us. This book is about learning to live there.

Misunderstandings run both ways

In 2012 the autistic researcher Damian Milton named the double empathy problem. When an autistic person and a non-autistic person misread each other, the gap runs in both directions.

Later research by Catherine Crompton and her team found that autistic people pass information to each other as clearly as anyone. The trouble starts in the space between different ways of communicating.

The World Between Us takes that seriously, and then gives you the words, the scripts and the small habits that make that space easier to cross.

What’s inside

Part One. The Gap.
Why the gap opens, and the stories your family told before anyone had the words.
1. 1Lost in Translation
2. 2The Story Your Family Already Told
Part Two. The Cost.
Friendships, keeping the peace, and love before and after you knew.
1. 3What Friendship Cost
2. 4Keeping the Peace
3. 5Love, Before and After You Knew
Part Three. The Bridge.
Telling people, loving in your own language, friendship on your terms, family, and the relationships that hurt.
1. 6Telling People
2. 7Love in Your Own Language
3. 8Friendship on Your Terms
4. 9Family After Diagnosis
5. 10The Relationships That Hurt
Part Four. Being Seen.
Finding your people, and making the space between somewhere you can live.
1. 11Finding Your People
2. 12The World Between Us

Plus the appendix: a letter for telling family, five scripts for partners, a handout for the people who love you, and where to find support.

What you get

Twelve chapters, each with a Try this exercise you can do in ten minutes.

Scripts you can say, text or slide across the table: for telling people, asking for quiet, explaining a shutdown and repairing a misunderstanding.

The practical parts: a letter template for family, a handout called For the people who love us, and support services in Australia, the UK and the US.

Ebook, 164 pages, with the Between Us kit and online tools. Read it on your phone, tablet or computer. Free updates for life.

What comes with it

The Between Us kit

A printable companion to The World Between Us.

The pages from the book you’ll want to hand over, stick on the fridge, or write in.

Daniel Burford

For the people who love us

Hand this to a parent, a partner, a sibling or a close friend. Sign it at the bottom, or leave it unsigned.

Someone you love has told you they’re autistic. They gave you this page because they want you to understand them, and because they trust you.

Many autistic adults find out late, often in their thirties, forties or later. They grew up before anyone was looking for autism in people like them, so they learned to watch everyone else and copy what they saw. They did it so well that hardly anyone noticed. It was constant, quiet work, the kind that wears a person down slowly until they go looking for answers.

Say what you mean. Clear words are a gift. If you want something done, ask for it. If you’re upset, say so. Hints and tone of voice are easy to miss, and guessing is exhausting.

Ask them directly. “Do you want company or quiet right now?” is a lovely question. So is “Would you rather I text or call?”

Give them time to answer. A pause while they think is just a pause.

Pocket scripts

At home with a partner

When you’re out of words

I’m out of words tonight. I still want to be near you. Can we sit together without talking for a while?

Asking for quiet

I’m really glad to see you. My head’s full from today and I need about thirty minutes of quiet before I can talk properly.

Explaining a shutdown

Sometimes when there’s too much going on, my words stop working. It can look like I’m angry with you.

Asking for something to be said literally

When you said the dishes can wait, I took it exactly as you said it.

Before you say yes

Let me have a think and get back to you. I’m not sure yet. Can I tell you tomorrow?

Telling someone in person

Can I tell you something about me? I was assessed recently, and I’m autistic.

Chapter 2

The Story Your Family Already Told

Try this. Write down one story your family tells about you as a child. Write it the way they tell it, with their words and their punchline. Then, underneath, write it again from the inside.

How to be with Sam

I’m autistic, and I’ve written this down so you don’t have to guess.

The way I communicate best

Clear words, written down.

When I go quiet, it usually means

My words have stopped working for a while. I’m still here, and it passes.

What helps when I’m overloaded

Space and very little talk. Sitting nearby, dimming the lights.

How I show love

Sending you an article I knew you’d like.

Things that hurt, even when they’re meant kindly

Being told I seem fine.

The ebook

164 pages

Twelve chapters in four parts
A Try this exercise in every chapter
Scripts for partners, family and friends
Reads on your phone, tablet or computer

The Between Us kit

Printable, 23 pages

For the people who love us, a handout to pass on
The family letter, ready to fill in
49 pocket scripts to cut out and keep
The Try this workbook, 12 pages with room to write
Where to find support in Australia, the UK and the US

Between Us tools

Online, for buyers

A How to be with me card to share with a partner, parent or friend
A letter builder for telling family
All 49 scripts, ready to edit and copy into a text
Everything saves on your own device

All of it comes with the ebook, at no extra cost. Free updates for life.

Read the first page

Chapter 1. Lost in Translation

You’ve probably replayed a conversation at two in the morning. You go back through it line by line. What you said, what they said, the pause after, the look on their face that you couldn’t read then and still can’t read now. You turn it over and over looking for the moment it went wrong, and you usually find it in yourself.

Too blunt. Too quiet. Too much. Said it wrong, said it at the wrong time, didn’t say the thing you were supposed to say. Most of us have carried a long list like that for years, and most of us were never told there was another way to read it.

Here’s the other way.

Get the whole book →

A script you can use tonight

Asking for quiet

“I’m really glad to see you. My head’s full from today and I need about thirty minutes of quiet before I can talk properly. Nothing’s wrong between us. I’ll come and find you when I’m ready.”

The last line matters most. It tells your partner the quiet has an end, and that you’ll be the one to end it.

Why I wrote it

I wrote this book because navigating relationships as an autistic person is hard. There are so many misread signals. We get misunderstood, and sometimes pushed out altogether, even when everyone has the best of intentions, because both sides genuinely don’t understand each other. There’s a space between us that hardly ever gets named. Relationships matter. They enrich our lives. This book is a guide to building love, friendship and family across that space, so the process can be a little easier.

Daniel

About the author

Daniel Burford is autistic and was diagnosed at 35. He lives in Adelaide and writes HeyASD, 250+ articles for autistic adults. He’s the author of The Unmasking Years and The Autistic Advantage.

Daniel Burford

Autistic, diagnosed at 35
Founder, HeyASD · Adelaide, SA

250+

Articles for autistic adults

Get The World Between Us

12 chapters in four parts
Try this exercises in every chapter
Scripts for partners, family and friends
A letter template and a handout for the people who love you
The Between Us kit to print: the handout, the family letter and 49 pocket scripts
The Try this workbook, 12 pages with room to write
Between Us tools online: a How to be with me card, a letter builder and 49 editable scripts
Free updates for life

The Between Us kit

A printable companion to The World Between Us.

The pages from the book you’ll want to hand over, stick on the fridge, or write in.

Daniel Burford

For the people who love us

Hand this to a parent, a partner, a sibling or a close friend. Sign it at the bottom, or leave it unsigned.

Someone you love has told you they’re autistic. They gave you this page because they want you to understand them, and because they trust you.

Say what you mean. Clear words are a gift. If you want something done, ask for it. If you’re upset, say so. Hints and tone of voice are easy to miss, and guessing is exhausting.

Ask them directly. “Do you want company or quiet right now?” is a lovely question. So is “Would you rather I text or call?”

Give them time to answer. A pause while they think is just a pause.

Pocket scripts

At home with a partner

When you’re out of words

I’m out of words tonight. I still want to be near you. Can we sit together without talking for a while?

Asking for quiet

I’m really glad to see you. My head’s full from today and I need about thirty minutes of quiet before I can talk properly.

Explaining a shutdown

Sometimes when there’s too much going on, my words stop working. It can look like I’m angry with you.

Asking for something to be said literally

When you said the dishes can wait, I took it exactly as you said it.

Before you say yes

Let me have a think and get back to you. I’m not sure yet. Can I tell you tomorrow?

Telling someone in person

Can I tell you something about me? I was assessed recently, and I’m autistic.

Chapter 2

The Story Your Family Already Told

Try this. Write down one story your family tells about you as a child. Write it the way they tell it, with their words and their punchline. Then, underneath, write it again from the inside.

How to be with Sam

I’m autistic, and I’ve written this down so you don’t have to guess.

The way I communicate best

Clear words, written down.

When I go quiet, it usually means

My words have stopped working for a while. I’m still here, and it passes.

What helps when I’m overloaded

Space and very little talk. Sitting nearby, dimming the lights.

How I show love

Sending you an article I knew you’d like.

Things that hurt, even when they’re meant kindly

Being told I seem fine.

The World Between Us

Ebook, printable kit and workbook, and online tools

$27

Get The World Between Us

Instant download · Kit and online tools included · Free updates for life

Questions

What is The World Between Us?

The World Between Us is a guide to relationships for autistic adults. It covers love, friendship and family, why misunderstandings happen in both directions, and what to say and do to build across them. It’s written by Daniel Burford, who is autistic.

What comes with The World Between Us?

The World Between Us comes with two extras at no extra cost. The Between Us kit is a 23-page printable PDF with the handout for the people who love you, the family letter, 49 pocket script cards and the Try this workbook. Between Us tools is a buyers-only page with a How to be with me card, a letter builder and all 49 scripts ready to edit and copy.

Who is The World Between Us for?

Autistic adults, however and whenever you found out. Partners, parents and friends will find a chapter-length appendix written with them in mind, including a handout called For the people who love us.

Do I need to read The Unmasking Years first?

No. The World Between Us stands on its own. The Unmasking Years is about understanding yourself. This book is about the people around you.

Is The World Between Us only about romantic relationships?

It covers love, friendship and family in equal measure, plus finding your people and a chapter on relationships that hurt.

What format is The World Between Us?

It’s a PDF ebook of 164 pages that works on any phone, tablet or computer. You download it straight after checkout, along with the Between Us kit.

Does The World Between Us include scripts?

Yes. There are scripts for telling people, asking for quiet, explaining a shutdown, asking for things to be said literally and repairing a misunderstanding, plus a letter template for family.

Is The World Between Us therapy or medical advice?

No. It’s one autistic person’s account, together with what research currently shows. It doesn’t replace a clinician, a counsellor or legal advice.

What if a relationship is hurting me right now?

If you’re in danger, contact your local emergency services. In Australia you can call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. In the UK, Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247. Chapter 10 of The World Between Us is written for this, whenever you’re ready.

Will I get updates to The World Between Us?

Yes. Every new edition of the ebook is sent free to the email you use at checkout.

The World Between Us$27

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