She was the first person who was kind to you there. She explained the unwritten rules, sat with you at lunch, asked your opinion on her projects. You helped with her reports because that is what friends at work do. It is eight months later, in a meeting, when she presents your analysis as hers, and you sit very still while the last eight months rearrange themselves in your head.
Being taken advantage of at work means someone repeatedly benefits from your time, skills or trust while giving little back, often while presenting themselves as a friend or ally. Autistic adults report this kind of exploitation more often than non-autistic adults, partly because many of us take people at their word, assume good intent and find it hard to read hidden motives in real time. It usually shows up as favours becoming duties, credit being taken, and extra work landing on the reliable person. Recognising it often comes late, and it brings anger and self-blame with it.
What the research shows
- In a study of 426 autistic and 268 non-autistic adults, 70% of autistic adults said they had been bullied by someone they considered a friend, compared with 31% of non-autistic adults. Griffiths et al. (2019)1
- A review of 34 studies found that 44% of autistic people had experienced some form of victimisation, with bullying reported by 47%. Trundle et al. (2023)2
- When lies came with clear cues, autistic adults detected them less accurately than matched non-autistic adults (a score of .46 compared with .72), a difference the researchers linked to a higher risk of manipulation. Williams et al. (2018)3
- Autistic adults were more compliant than non-autistic adults on both a self-report scale and a behavioural task, and also reported more bullying and lower self-esteem. Chandler et al. (2019)4
How it usually happens
Exploitation at work rarely announces itself. It tends to arrive dressed as something good: friendship, praise, inclusion, being trusted with important things. That is part of why it works.
Some of the shapes it takes:
- A favour you did once becomes your job. You covered the report in March, and now it is yours every month.
- Your work turns up under someone else’s name in a meeting, a deck or an email to leadership.
- You become the person everyone brings the hard, detailed or boring jobs to, because you are reliable and you will not refuse.
- A colleague shares confidences, invites yours, and later uses what you told them.
- Someone friendly recruits you into their conflicts, so your honesty becomes their weapon.
- Praise arrives just before a request, every time.
Any one of these on its own can be innocent. What matters is the balance over time: who keeps giving, who keeps taking, and whether anything ever flows back the other way.
Why trust makes you easier to use
Many of us speak in a way that matches what we mean, and we assume other people do too. When a colleague says “I’ll make sure your name is on it” or “it’s just this once”, you believe them, because you would only say those words if they were true. That is a good way to be. It also means people who say things they do not mean can rely on you to take them at face value.
Reading hidden motives in real time is hard work for most autistic adults. Masking makes it harder still, because so much attention goes on managing your own face and words that there is less left over for noticing what the other person is doing. And if you have spent years being told you misread situations, you are more likely to override a quiet warning sign than to act on it.
Add loneliness at work, which many of us carry, and a friendly colleague can matter a great deal. Someone who offers inclusion is offering something you have often gone without. That makes the relationship feel precious, and makes it much harder to question.
Why you only see it later
Exploitation is a pattern, and patterns take time to show. Each request looks reasonable. Each small loss of credit looks like an accident. It is only when enough of them have piled up, or something happens too clearly to explain away, that the shape becomes visible all at once.
When it does, it often comes with a rush of replaying. You go back through months of conversations and see them differently. The lunches, the praise, the confidences. You may find yourself unsure which parts were ever real. That re-reading can take over evenings and weekends, and it is one of the reasons this kind of experience is so tiring.
“I was really close friends with a girl but my dad pointed out that I kept doing things for her but I didn’t see it.”
— Participant P5, Forster & Pearson (2020)
Seeing it late says more about the other person, who was relying on exactly the qualities that make you a good colleague to everyone else.
The anger, and the self-blame underneath it
The first feeling is often anger at them. The second, quieter and longer lasting, is anger at yourself. How did I not see it? Why did I keep helping? What is wrong with me that people can do this?
That second voice deserves a hard look. Research with autistic adults who have been victimised describes this self-blame directly, often rooted in a lifetime of being told that social problems were your fault. It is an old belief, and exploitation feeds it. The facts are simpler. Someone chose to use your good faith. Your good faith was the right thing to bring to a workplace. The fault sits with the person who exploited it.
It is also fine to grieve. If the relationship felt like a friendship, you have lost a friend, or lost the version of them you thought you had. That loss is real even if the friendship was not.
Signs a working relationship is one-sided
These are worth checking against when something feels off and you cannot name it:
- You know far more about their work, stress and life than they know about yours.
- Requests flow one way. When you ask for help, they are suddenly busy.
- Your contributions are acknowledged in private and absent in public.
- Kindness arrives shortly before something is asked of you.
- Saying no, even once, changes how warm they are with you.
- You feel tired, uneasy or slightly used after time with them, and then feel guilty for feeling it.
One or two of these can be ordinary unevenness. Several, over months, describe a relationship that is working for one person.
How to protect yourself without going cold
Trusting less would cost you more than it saves. The aim is to keep your good faith and add a few structures that make it harder to misuse.
Let trust be earned slowly. Notice how people treat you when you say no, ask for something back, or are not useful to them. Those moments show more than any amount of friendliness.
Keep a trail of your work. Send your work by email rather than handing it over in person. Copy in the relevant manager when it makes sense. Keep your own notes of what you contributed to joint projects.
Put limits on favours. “I can help with this one, and I can’t take it on regularly” draws a line at the start, before a favour becomes a job. Saying no at work has more scripts for this.
Check with someone outside it. A friend, partner or trusted colleague who does not depend on the relationship can often see the balance more clearly than you can from inside. Describe what happened in plain facts and ask what they notice.
Keep confidences small at first. Share personal things gradually, and watch what happens to them.
It is easier to notice when work is being taken from you once you know what you are actually putting in. The Autistic Advantage includes an energy budget and scripts for working with non-autistic colleagues, so you can see your effort on paper and name your limits before a favour turns into a job.
Repairing it, raising it, or moving on
Once you can see what has been happening, you have a few options, and you do not have to choose straight away.
Sometimes a calm, specific conversation is enough: “I’m happy to help when I can, but I can’t keep doing the monthly report. Can you take it back from next month?” Some people simply have not noticed how much they were leaning on you, and will adjust.
If credit has been taken or work moved onto you without agreement, raise it with your manager using facts and dates. “Here is the analysis I sent on the 4th. I’d like to make sure my contribution to the final version is recognised.” Your email trail does the arguing for you.
If the pattern is wider than one person, if the whole team or your manager relies on you absorbing work and says nothing, or if raising it brings hostility, it may have moved into something heavier. Workplace bullying when you’re autistic covers how to recognise it and what you can do. And if the tension is following you home every night, why workplace conflict follows you home goes into why, and what helps.
Moving on is also an option. A workplace where your reliability is quietly harvested rather than valued is telling you something about how it works. You are allowed to want somewhere that notices what you give.
Key points
- Being taken advantage of at work often arrives dressed as friendship, praise or inclusion, which is why it is so hard to spot.
- Autistic adults report being exploited more often, partly because many of us take people at their word and assume good intent.
- It usually becomes visible late, all at once, once enough small losses have piled up.
- The self-blame that follows is common and rooted in old beliefs, and the fault sits with the person who exploited your trust.
- One-sided relationships show in who knows more, who asks more, and how warmth changes when you say no.
- Slow trust, an email trail, limits on favours and an outside view protect you without asking you to stop trusting people.
Why do autistic people get taken advantage of at work?
Many autistic adults say what they mean and assume others do too, which makes it easier for people who say things they do not mean to rely on you taking them at face value. Reading hidden motives in real time is hard, and masking uses up attention that might otherwise notice what someone else is doing. Reliability and care about doing things properly make you the person extra work flows to. Loneliness at work can make a friendly colleague especially important. These are good qualities, and some people choose to use them.
How do I know if a coworker is using me?
Look at the balance over months rather than single moments. Do requests flow mostly one way? Do they become busy when you need help? Is your work acknowledged privately but missing in public? Does kindness tend to arrive just before a request? Does their warmth change when you say no? Do you feel tired or uneasy after time with them? One or two of these can be ordinary. Several, consistently, suggest a one-sided relationship. Describing the facts to someone outside it, who has no stake in the relationship, can help you see it more clearly.
What is mate crime?
Mate crime is a term used, mostly in the UK, for exploitation or abuse of a disabled person by someone who presents themselves as a friend. It was coined to describe harm that is hidden inside an apparent friendship, which makes it harder for the person to recognise and for others to notice. Research with autistic adults has explored how common it is and how hard it can be to spot when someone is friendly. At work it might look like a colleague who befriends you and then uses your time, skills or confidences for their own benefit.
What should I do if a colleague takes credit for my work?
Start with the facts. Gather the emails, files and dates that show what you did and when. If you feel safe to, raise it directly with the colleague in a calm, specific way. If that does not work, or it keeps happening, bring it to your manager with your records, framing it around making sure your contribution is recognised rather than accusing anyone. For the future, send work by email rather than in person, copy in the relevant manager where appropriate, and keep your own notes on joint projects. A clear trail protects you without any confrontation.
Why do I always end up doing other people’s work?
Usually because you are reliable, you care about it being done properly, and saying no is hard. Work flows towards the person who will not let it fail and will not refuse. Over time, favours turn into expectations without anyone formally deciding it. The fix starts with making your workload visible. When asked to take on more, ask which of your current tasks should move. Put limits on favours at the start. And if work has been reassigned to you without discussion, raise it with your manager and ask whether your role has formally changed.
How can I stop being too trusting at work?
Trusting more slowly works better than trusting less. Let trust grow from how people behave when you say no, ask for something back, or are not useful to them, rather than from how friendly they are. Share personal information gradually. Keep a trail of your work so credit is easier to protect. Check uneasy feelings with someone outside the situation. Your good faith is a strength in most working relationships, and it is worth keeping. The goal is to add a few protections around it and stay as warm as you are.
Why do I blame myself for being taken advantage of?
Many autistic adults grew up being told that social problems were their fault, often without anyone explaining what they had done wrong. That leaves a deep habit of looking at yourself first when anything goes wrong between people. Exploitation slots straight into it, and the person using you may encourage it. Research with autistic adults who have been victimised describes this self-blame clearly. It can help to write down plainly what happened and who did what, then read it as if it happened to a friend. The fault usually looks very different from that angle.
Should I confront a colleague who has been using me?
It depends on what you want and how safe it feels. If you mainly want the pattern to stop, a calm, specific conversation about one change is often more effective than a confrontation about the whole history: “I can’t keep doing the monthly report. Can you take it back from next month?” If you want credit corrected or the behaviour addressed formally, going to your manager with records may work better. If the relationship feels hostile or you expect retaliation, you do not owe them a conversation at all. Protecting yourself is a legitimate goal on its own.
If you’ve lived this.
Drew · November 1, 2026
I can’t even read this right now, the title is so triggering.