I’m Autistic. I Don’t Know How to Make Friends. But I Still Want To

If you’re an autistic adult navigating the world of friendship, it can feel like playing a game where everyone else got the rulebook but you didn’t. The desire for connection is real — deep, aching, sacred — but the path to it often feels overgrown and unclear.

Many of us crave meaningful bonds, but we’re expected to reach them through social norms that feel unnatural, exhausting, or even unsafe.

This space is for you. It’s a quiet acknowledgment of that struggle and a gentle reminder: your way of connecting is valid. You are not alone in this feeling.

Key Takeaways

• This article explores the deep-seated desire for friendship among autistic adults, acknowledging the unique social challenges we face.

• It reframes loneliness not as a personal failure but as a common experience resulting from a world not built for us.

• We challenge the neurotypical "movie version" of friendship, validating alternative forms of connection that honor our needs.

• It addresses the realities of social fatigue and sensory overload, explaining why common social skills advice often fails.

• You will find gentle suggestions for building authentic friendships that allow you to be your authentic self without masking.

Naming Loneliness Without Blame

Loneliness isn't a flaw in your personality. For many autistic adults, it is a persistent shadow, a gap between the connections we want and the ones we have. It’s a feeling that can be intensified by a world that misunderstands our social differences.

Someone once told me, "You can tell you spend a lot of time by yourself." It was meant to be a criticism, and it stung. But it was also true. Acknowledging this feeling without shame is the first step toward understanding it. Your loneliness is not a sign of failure; it is a response to social isolation.

The Difference Between Solitude and Isolation

It's crucial to understand that being alone is not the same as being lonely. Solitude is a choice. For many autistic people, it’s a peaceful, necessary state where we can recharge, engage with our interests, and unmask without judgment. Solitude is restorative. It’s where we can finally just be.

Isolation, on the other hand, is an unwelcome feeling. It's the distressing sense of being disconnected when what you truly crave is a meaningful bond. Research shows that autistic people experience loneliness more intensely than our neurotypical peers, not because we don't desire friendship, but because we face so many barriers to achieving it.

This gap between our social needs and our reality can have a significant impact on our mental health. Recognizing the difference between chosen solitude and painful isolation allows you to honor your need for quiet while also validating your longing for connection.

When Loneliness Feels Like a Secret

Loneliness often comes wrapped in shame. It can feel like a personal secret you have to hide, especially when everyone around you seems to connect so effortlessly. This feeling is frequently tangled up with social anxiety, creating a cycle where the fear of judgment keeps you from seeking the very connection you need.

You might feel misunderstood, leading to a profound sense of relational loneliness. You can be in a room full of people, even with family or acquaintances, and still feel completely alone because the connection lacks that vital layer of mutual understanding.

This is a common part of the autistic experience within a neurodiverse world. You may feel like you have to camouflage your autistic traits to fit in, which only deepens the feeling of being unseen. The weight of this secret can be heavy, but naming it—even just to yourself—is an act of self-compassion.

Myths About Friendship and Autistic Adulthood

For too long, the prevailing myth was that autistic people prefer to be alone and are not interested in friendship. This outdated stereotype has caused immense harm, contributing to our social isolation. The truth is, many of us desire connection; we just approach it on a way that most people doesn't necessarily understand or value.

Our friendships may not align with neurotypical social norms, but that doesn't make them any less valid or meaningful. It's time to dismantle these myths and create a more accurate understanding of how autistic adults build and experience relationships.

Breaking Away from the Movie Version of Friendship

The media often portrays friendship as a whirlwind of constant social outings, spontaneous hangouts, and emotionally charged conversations. If this version of friendship feels inaccessible or even undesirable to you, you’re not alone. For many autistic adults, this ideal is not only unrealistic but also exhausting.

Authentic friendship for us might look different. It might be asynchronous chats where you have time to process your thoughts. It could be "parallel play," where you and a friend enjoy each other's company while doing separate activities in the same space. It could be a bond built entirely on exchanging memes and articles about a shared interest.

It’s not that I don’t want friends. I just want connection that feels safe, not fake and full of 'how are you'.

These alternative forms of connection are just as real and valuable. Letting go of the "movie version" allows you to find what truly works for your authentic self.

Common Misconceptions About Autistic Adults and Connection

The world is filled with misunderstandings about how autistic people experience social relationships. These misconceptions often create barriers, making it harder for us to find the acceptance we deserve. It's important to challenge these outdated ideas.

One of the most persistent myths is that we lack empathy. In reality, many autistic people experience intense empathy, sometimes to an overwhelming degree; we just may not express it in conventional ways. Our direct communication style can be mistaken for rudeness, and our need for solitude can be misinterpreted as disinterest.

Here are a few common misconceptions that need to be retired:

• Myth: Autistic people don't want friends. Reality: Many of us deeply desire meaningful connections but struggle with the social and environmental challenges involved.

• Myth: Autistic people can't understand emotions. Reality: We may find it difficult to read nonverbal social cues, but we feel emotions deeply.

• Myth: Friendship with an autistic person is one-sided. Reality: Autistic friendships, often built on shared interests and deep loyalty, are incredibly reciprocal.

The Quiet Realities of Social Fatigue

Have you ever returned from a social gathering feeling not just tired, but utterly depleted? This is social fatigue, or an "autistic burnout" hangover, and it's a core part of the autistic experience. For us, social interaction isn't intuitive; it requires active, conscious processing that consumes a massive amount of energy.

This exhaustion isn't a sign that you don't enjoy someone's company. It's the cognitive and sensory cost of navigating a world not designed for our autistic traits. Understanding this can help you be kinder to yourself when you need to retreat and recharge.

Why Small Talk Isn’t Always Small

For many neurotypical individuals, small talk is a low-stakes warm-up to a deeper conversation. For autistic people, it can feel like a complex, unwritten test with high stakes. The pressure to discuss topics that feel uninteresting, interpret vague questions, and respond "correctly" can trigger significant social anxiety.

The act of engaging in small talk requires us to perform a kind of social calculus. We're simultaneously trying to process verbal communication, monitor body language, manage our own responses, and filter out sensory distractions. It's an intense form of mental gymnastics, all while trying to appear relaxed and natural.

This is why many of us prefer to connect over shared interests, where the conversation has a clear focus and purpose. It bypasses the ambiguous dance of small talk and allows us to connect on a topic where we feel confident and passionate, moving straight to meaningful social connections.

Sensory Overload and the Cost of Socializing

Socializing isn't just about conversation; it's about the environment. Common social activities often take place in settings that can be a nightmare for our sensory sensitivities. Bright lights, loud music, unpredictable crowds, and competing conversations can quickly lead to sensory overload, making it impossible to focus, let alone connect.

When you're constantly fighting off a sensory assault, there's no energy left for social engagement. This is why "just put yourself out there" is such unhelpful advice. It ignores the very real physical and emotional cost of being in spaces that are hostile to our nervous systems.

Choosing sensory-friendly activities isn't about being difficult; it's a necessary accommodation for building sustainable friendships. Here are some ways to reframe common social activities:

A Beginner’s Guide to Finding Authentic Friendship as an Autistic Adult

So, where do we go from here? This isn't a list of rules to follow. Instead, think of these as gentle pathways toward finding authentic friendship—connections that honor your autistic identity rather than asking you to hide it. The goal is not to collect friends but to find meaningful connections where you feel safe and seen.

Building these bonds takes time and self-compassion. It starts with understanding yourself and then slowly finding spaces and people that align with your true nature. The following sections offer some reflections on how to begin this journey.

What You’ll Need to Get Started—Resources and Safe Spaces

Before you even think about meeting new people, the most important resource you have is self-knowledge. Understanding your social battery, sensory needs, and communication style is foundational. Beyond that, finding safe spaces where you don't have to mask can make all the difference.

These spaces are often where autistic people find their community. A study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders highlighted that autistic adults reported higher quality friendships when they connected through shared interests. [1] This makes sense—it gives you a natural, low-pressure way to interact. You’re there for the activity first, and friendship can grow from that common ground.

Consider exploring places like these:

• Online communities: Forums, Discord servers, or social media groups dedicated to your special interests or for autistic people.

• Interest-based groups: Think book clubs, hiking groups, coding workshops, or a local board game café.

• Autistic-led support groups: These can be invaluable for finding peers who just "get it."

• Volunteer opportunities: Contributing to a cause you care about connects you with people who share your values.

Step-by-Step Guide to Gentle Friendship Building

This isn't a rigid formula, but a gentle, reflective process for opening yourself up to connection. The focus is on sustainability and mutual understanding, not on quick results. It’s about building something that feels right for you, at your own pace.

The process of friendship building can feel daunting, but breaking it down into small, manageable explorations can reduce the overwhelm. Each step is about learning more about yourself and what you need from a connection, allowing you to approach new friendships with intention and care.

Here’s a gentle framework to consider:

• Step 1: Start with introspection. Recognize your own needs and boundaries before anything else.

• Step 2: Explore communities built around interests, not just socializing.

• Step 3: Focus on nurturing connections with low-pressure, routine interactions.

• Step 4: Practice self-compassion. Not every attempt will lead to a lifelong friend, and that's okay.

Step 1: Recognizing Your Own Needs and Boundaries

The first friendship you need to cultivate is with yourself. Before seeking external connections, take the time to understand your own capacity. How much social interaction can you handle before you feel drained? What kind of environments make you feel calm versus overwhelmed? What are your non-negotiable boundaries for your mental health?

Being honest about your autistic traits is an act of self-advocacy. Perhaps you need conversations to be direct, or you require advance notice for plans. Maybe you can only socialize for an hour or two at a time. These aren't flaws; they are essential pieces of information for building a sustainable social life.

When you know your needs, you can communicate them. Setting clear boundaries isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about inviting them into a relationship that you can actually maintain. It’s the foundation for any authentic friendship where your true self is respected.

Step 2: Exploring Interest-Based Communities (Online & Offline)

Connecting over a shared passion is often the most natural way for autistic people to build bonds. When you join a group focused on an activity you love, the pressure to make small talk disappears. The activity itself provides the script for the interaction, allowing connections to form organically.

Whether online or in person, these communities provide a built-in filter. You’re already starting with something significant in common. This is also a space where you can let your enthusiasm for your interests shine—something that might be misunderstood elsewhere but is celebrated in a group of fellow enthusiasts. You might even see people expressing their autism pride with a cool autism hat or unique autism jewelry from an autism store.

Here are some places to look:

• Local hobby shops: Many host events for things like trading cards, board games, or model building.

• Social media groups: Find a Facebook or Reddit community for your favorite TV show, author, or scientific topic.

• Meetup.com or Eventbrite: Search for local events related to your interests, from birdwatching to coding.

Step 3: Nurturing Connections with Routine and Low-Pressure Interactions

For many of us, the hardest part of friendship isn't making the initial connection but maintaining it. The unstructured nature of "staying in touch" can be overwhelming. This is where routine and low-pressure interactions become your best tools for creating meaningful social connections.

I haven’t seen my best friend in years. We met at work. Things were easier when connection was built into the day.

This feeling is so common. When connection is built into a routine, it's easier to maintain. But when that structure is gone, the fear of reaching out can be paralyzing.

I feel awkward about contacting people when it’s been so long. I don’t want to be a burden or explain why I disappeared.

To combat this, you can create new, gentle routines:

• Schedule a weekly or bi-weekly video call to play a game together.

• Send a meme, article, or song that made you think of them. It’s a low-effort way to say, "I value our connection."

• Establish a pattern, like texting about a show you both watch after each new episode airs.

Conclusion

In closing, navigating friendship as an autistic adult is a journey filled with complexities and emotional nuances. It’s essential to recognize that loneliness doesn’t define your worth or ability to connect. Each small step you take toward authenticity matters, whether it’s nurturing existing bonds or experimenting with new forms of connection. As you explore this landscape, remember that there is no “right” way to form friendships. Your journey can unfold at your pace, embracing the moments that feel safe and genuine.

I’m still figuring this out myself. But I know I want something real that doesn’t require me to be anyone else.

You are not alone in this endeavor; your desire for connection is valid, and it’s okay to seek friendship on your own terms.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are there social groups or communities specifically for autistic adults?

Yes — and many are built by autistic adults, for autistic adults. Here are some places to start:

• Online communities:
  • Wrong Planet: A long-running forum for autistic adults.
  • Facebook Groups: Search “Autistic Adults + [your location or interest]”, for example, “Late Diagnosed Autistics”, “Autistic Writers Circle”, or “Neurodivergent Queers.”
  • Discord servers: Try communities like Neurodivergent Universe or Autistic Pride Alliance.
  • r/AutisticAdults and r/Neurodiversity on Reddit are also great spaces to connect.
• In-person or hybrid groups:
  • Meetup.com often features autism-specific or neurodivergent-friendly meetups in your area.
  • Local autism organisations: Look into groups like Aspect (Australia) or the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (US). They sometimes run social clubs, workshops, or peer events.
  • Libraries, community centres, and universities sometimes host quiet, inclusive groups for autistic or neurodivergent people.

Look for spaces that feel aligned with your energy, pace, and needs, not just ones that tick a box. The goal isn’t just “socialising,” it’s belonging.

How can I start conversations or maintain friendships as an autistic adult?

Instead of forcing small talk, try starting conversations around a shared interest. To maintain friendships, focus on low-pressure, routine interactions, like sending a weekly text or scheduling a regular, brief call. Consistency can be more effective for autistic adults than spontaneous, high-energy social skills.

What if I struggle to read social cues or fear rejection?

Struggling with social cues and fearing rejection are common autistic traits. It helps to be open about your communication style with people you trust. In neurodivergent-friendly spaces, there is often more grace and understanding for directness and less reliance on ambiguous body language, which can help ease social anxiety.

Is online friendship a good option for autistic adults?

Absolutely. For many autistic people, online communities offer a less overwhelming way to engage in social interaction. Text-based communication allows time to process and respond thoughtfully, making it easier to build new friendships. It can be a valid and deeply fulfilling form of connection.

Citations:

[1] Black, M. H., Kuzminski, R., Wang, J., Ang, J., Lee, C., Hafidzuddin, S., & McGarry, S. (2024). Experiences of friendships for individuals on the autism spectrum: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 11, 184–209. Available at: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40489-022-00332-8